


The Policy

by Missy



Category: Allstate Insurance "Mayhem" Commercials, Progressive Insurance, TV Commercials
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Parody, Zombie Apocalypse, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-11
Updated: 2014-11-11
Packaged: 2018-02-24 23:42:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2600681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Flo has to make some adjustments when one of the infected invades her store.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Policy

**Author's Note:**

> Written for ZombieFest '14! Prompt: 068. Commercials: Progressive/Allstate -- Flo and Mayhem -- Insurance for Zombie Encounters.

Flo had been trained to handle any and every possible emergency, and to handle it with a wide smile. If it had a human risk attached to it, she had a remedy that involved reasonably-priced insurance and a perky quip. She was well-trained, but not a helpless automaton. 

But nobody at her store had prepared her for Him. A shaggy-haired, green-faced stranger with a disheveled and stained suit with a devil may care look on his face. 

“Hi,” he said. “I’m a zombie bite victim. My skin’s turning green, and I’m starting to crave the taste of human flesh.” He lurched toward the customer she’d been gleefully chatting up. “I might eat this lady, or that guy. Or maybe I’ll cough on a couple of menus and spread the disease around, who knows?

“Oh no, Flo!” the customer cried, dodging the man’s foaming mouth. “What will we do?”

Flo had already ducked behind the counter. Her bright red fingertips immediately found the place’s salvation – a sawed-off shotgun. “There’s a forty caliber solution for that, Pam!” Her finger hooked around the trigger and quickly pulled it, sending the bullet ricocheting off of one of the tin buttons on the zombie’s jacket. He flinched, releasing the customer and turning toward Flo.

“Maybe I’ll eat your juicy brains and use your extended coverage policy as a napkin,” the zombie said, his blood-soaked teeth flashing in the dim halogen lighting.

“Or,” Flo said, “maybe you’ll eat a little hot lead!”

A volley of bullets that sallied through the air sent the rest of the customers scrambling for cover. The first shot sank into his shoulder, sending up an arterial spray of blue-black liquid. The third hit him in the knee and caused him to sink, howling, to the ground before her.

Flo took her eyes off the action to reload, her customer shaking her sleeve when the zombie tried to crawl toward them. Helpfully, she said, “Flo, he’s still coming!”

“That’s all right,” she said. “With Progressive there’s always room for second chances!” BANG. This one managed to sever the knee completely from the thigh. “And if you upgrade your policy,” Flo said breathlessly, brushing her perfect side-bangs back and behind her ear, “we’ll give you two rifles at half price and twice the insurance in the case of sudden zombie attacks, whether they happen in groups or individually. If you upgrade within the next week, we’ll even give you a really nifty little sand bucket to take to the beach.”

“Wow, it sounds like you’ll get a lot of little nifty extras if you sign up with Progressive,” chirped her customer.

“You will!” The insurance provider crowed. “And unlike Mr. Zombie here,” she said, shooting at and aiming for his neck, “we won’t live in the past. Any debts you have with our competitors won’t be taken into consideration when you try for a policy with us!”

The zombie’s now-severed head made a last ditch attempt at an attack, rolling away from the collapsing, twitching body. “I’m your rising insurance rates, and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now,” it said.

Flo finished him off with a headshot. “And now you can’t feel anything.”

“Wow, that’s a terrific deal!” the patron said, brushing stray chunks of brain matter from her cheeks.

“And,” said Flo, grinning brilliantly, “You can always expect the best deal when you have Progressive!"

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfiction uses characters from **Allstate and Progressive Insurance** , all of whom are the property of **Their Respective Firms**. No money was earned from the writing of this piece of fanfiction, and the author makes no legal claim upon the characters within.


End file.
